Sky Mall and nutrition depravity at 35,000 feet
![Sky Mall and nutrition depravity at 35,000 feet Sky Mall and nutrition depravity at 35,000 feet](https://eu-images.contentstack.com/v3/assets/blt09e5e63517a16184/bltafc06db067aebac6/64cbf83cdb0bcc7a8de33eaa/NewHopeNetwork_Horizontal_RGB.png?width=700&auto=webp&quality=80&disable=upscale)
Let’s all just agree that nobody buying fitness equipment on Sky Mall has to worry that they are swimming too fast. They’re more likely to need a life preserver and CPR than something to make their swim workout any harder.
OK, so you get three apples and three oranges but the chocolate cookies, baby bundt cake, Truly Fruit™ jelly candies, toffee-chocolate graham crackers and the double chocolate walnut brownies make “Fruit Variety Gift Pack” sound like a stretch, as does the expectation that anybody literate enough to read their boarding pass will see the words “Truly Fruit” in front of “jelly candies” and trust that said product has anything to do with fruit.
There’s nothing like coming home from a long day at work to find lobster sitting outside in a box on your porch and knowing that a few inches of Styrofoam are all that stand between you and seafood poisoning, which is just like regular food poisoning but with a jaunty nautical flair. While it may be comforting to somebody to know that “each item is prepared to melt-in-your mouth perfection with minimal effort,” it’s disturbing to know that there are seafood offerings that make Red Lobster look like fine dining.
When you assume the title “master of the grill,” you have told the world that titles like “brilliant conversationalist,” “gifted wit” and “graduated from high school” were never options. We could also bet you already have “2 BBQ utensils” and your BMI might be better off without Uncle Ray’s Barbecue Chips, two different cheese rounds (somebody at Sky Mall really likes the pepper jack) and whatever “BBQ party Snack Mix” is. But hey! It’s a bargain at $60.98 when you consider that wicker basket thing.
Even with three varieties, it’d be tough to accept bacon jam as “the perfect condiment for any meal," but the “For the bacon lover who has everything” tagline has us wondering if “everything” includes a good cardiac surgeon.
So the leather suitcases aren’t doing it for you. How about cheese and fudge in a “one-of-a-kind wooden fishing boat.” That makes sense, right? The boat is designed to hang on the wall when you’re done consuming the surreal assortment of sugar and sausage (who eats Jelly Bellys with hot pepper cheese?). It’s also designed to match the fake wood paneling in your basement and compliment that treasured beer can collection that’s totally embarrassing your teenage daughter.
Finally something in Sky Mall that makes nutritional sense. The digital scale is programmed with “information for 999 foods.” Somehow, we doubt any of them are red chile & garlic “Spreadable Bacon.” But maybe you could use the 99 custom programmed entries to get through the first 20 percent or so of the ingredients in a Tailgate Party Time Gift Pail.
We want cookies for the holidays, not cookie mixes you have to bake yourself. But we are extra cautious if said mixes are “not available for shipment to Alaska, Hawaii or Puerto Rico.” Do the folks in Honolulu and Anchorage know something we don’t? Maybe they know that $137.99 may be a tad high priced for cookie mix.
The weirdness of the Sky Mall continuum fits perfectly in three “faux leather suitcases.” Somebody in a meeting room in some Sky Mall bunker raised his hand and said “Hey, let’s put some highly processed food in fake suitcases.” And why not!
Let’s say you have a relative thoughtless enough to buy you any of the Sky Mall edibles, or the last label you read was on the back of a carton of rat poison and you indulged in the Sky Mall diet. However it happened you are going to need to work off some of those mysteriously unstated calories. The “Seated Whole Body Pedaler” is probably not going to do it. From the picture it looks like the faux-leather recliner of exercise equipment. We’re surprised there’s not a beer-koozie cup holder and a holster for your remote control. The only thing that’s “Whole Body” about this is the fact that your whole body is sitting on a chair while you convince yourself you are accomplishing actual exercise.
Among the very few highlights of traveling by air with my teenage son has always been Sky Mall. Tucked right in the seatback pocket awaits a journey of smugness and scoff-heavy sarcasm as we leaf through the glossy catalog, pointing out the most incredibly stupid product on each page.
Right now the Push Pushi Dog Raincoat is the clear all-catalog leader.
But flying and nibbling through the caloric minefield of Christmas this year, I started to wonder what it might be like if you ate the Sky Mall Diet, and then sought to correct that nutritional death-wish depravity with the Sky Mall Fitness Plan.
Of course, risks to your health are lower if you are buying these as gifts. The risk that your loved ones will hate you, however, rises sharply.
Whatever the lack of reasoning, think about these options on your next flight as you greedily lunge for that small pack of peanuts.
About the Author(s)
You May Also Like