8 future diet fads you need to know
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We cover a lot of special diets on newhope360.com. From vegan to paleo to gluten free, certain eating styles provide guidelines for consumers to live healthier, feel better and shop more consciously and compassionately. For many people, following a special diet turns into a lifestyle, too. Vegans, for example, may choose not to wear leather due to animal welfare concerns—the same concerns that govern their eating pattern. But sometimes, certain diets border on the ridiculous and extreme. (Remember the HCG Diet? Followers ate just 500 calories a day and then injected themselves with a “hormone naturally produced by the placenta of a pregnant women,” according to Forbes.) So for April Fools Day, we decided to have a bit of fun: What are the craziest diets that we could think up, and how would people adopt these (totally made-up) eating styles into their lifestyle? And what bogus science would justify said diets?
The Zombie Diet is all the rage! Within a 24 hour time span, your task is to eat as much meat as possible: chicken, turkey, alligator, Kiviak (don't worry about it...) — anything you can get your hands on is fair game, especially fresh animal brains. The trick is to stay away from everything green (moldy meat excluded) so that you get as much Vitamin B12, iron and protein as possible in a short amount of time (we all know you’ll never get this from eating just plants). And remember, if a few humans get nibbled along the way, oh well! Live the lifestyle: Reuse your clothing, even if it has stains and tears in it. To preserve water, don’t wash your clothes either. Also, drool—a lot. A new study shows that drooling is great for digestion. It was also found that among the dogs studied, drooling in public served as an especially effective digestive aid.
While you will never hear followers of this diet order a triple-caramel macchiato (they won’t step foot inside Starbucks unless they’re being ironic), you will hear them correcting ignorant souls who believe “espresso” is pronounced “eXpresso.” While they sometimes nibble on gluten-free pastries, Coffee Snob eaters have evolved to metabolize just single-varietal coffee beans, which they delicately slurp out of cute cups to discern if their life-blood beverage reached the Golden Ratio of 17.42 units of water to 1 unit of coffee. Live the lifestyle: When you arrive at work an hour late, simply explain to your boss that you were busy timing the soluble solid extraction rate of your $50/pound Blue Mountain Jamaican coffee to achieve an optimal 20 percent out of your Chemex. Duh!
The Twilight Diet is staking its place in the heart of the industry. This diet requires that you only suck the juice out of pink and red fruits (strawberries, raspberries, tomatoes). The act of sucking out the juice burns more calories and engages your digestive enzymes in a way that chewing the foods doesn’t. Additionally, red colored fruits are high in nutritious phytochemicals like lycopene and anthrocyanins. Even better, one of the best drinks to have when on this diet is a Bloody Mary, extra bloody! Live the lifestyle: It helps to eat these foods in the dark. Studies show that sunlight inhibits your ability to digest the nutrients found in red foods.
Ariel better watch out, because the salty supporters of this maritime diet are channeling the crimson-haired mermaid’s mealtime favorites. Anything that comes from the sea is game for noshing: herring, tuna, oysters, clams, mussels, shark, kelp, plankton, stingray and grouper are favorites; a seagull or jellyfish works in a pinch. (But never eat octopus, for obvious associations with lady villains.) Because this eating style includes few fresh fruits, followers of the Mermaid Diet must swallow three tablespoons of nutrient-dense canned tuna juice before bedtime. Live the lifestyle: Every week, treat your legs to a rejuvenating spa treatment: Simply wrap your stems in Saran wrap and soak in your salt-water bathtub for a few hours; entertain yourself by conversing with loquacious crustaceans.
Hegan (or the practice of being half vegan) is a great eating style if you say that you’re vegan but still like to mix some dairy and meat into your diet. While you may be vegan from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., we know it’s hard to say no to some butter on your popcorn at the movies or some tasty filet mignon at dinner. Don’t worry though; you’re still a vegan (hegan) as long as you say you are. Live the lifestyle: Studies have shown that it’s easiest to be a hegan if you discuss why veganism is better than every other way of eating while friends and family eat their food. Discussing unethical slaughter and dairy operations at the dinner table will educate those around you while also making them feel uncomfortable, so much so that they look away from their plates. When this happens, swipe some of their butter for your bread.
Even vegans are barbarians, according to followers of this ultra-compassionate diet. Sure, people who forgo meat, dairy, eggs and honey are aware that animals are thinking, breathing, living beings, but what of the colorful, sentient fruit and vegetables that are victimized by our food system? In order to protect the lettuce, tomatoes, squash, apples, grapes, carrots and more from unwarranted human consumption, this group advocates instead to eat dead things found on the forest floor including twigs, leaves and small pebbles. Live the lifestyle: For a quick lunch or light dinner, make this delicious stew that is a mainstay for Forest eaters. Here’s what you do: don a long, hooded cape to protect you from sharp thorns and head into the woods with a basket. Collect 4 bushels of soggy twigs, 2 pounds of lichen, 1 cup of birch bark that was shorn off a tree by a two-year old buck and 1 tablespoon dirt. Combine all these tasty ingredients into a cauldron full of boiling rainwater, and recite, “Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and caldron bubble” to the nutritious brew. Pour into a take-along thermos, and sip on your way to yoga class or an important lunch meeting.
This diet is ideal for adding diversity to your food choices. If you’re sick of eating grass-fed chicken with non-GMO corn every night, mix things up with some inspiration from your favorite childhood T.V. show. On the first day of the diet, eat one thing that starts with the letter “A” (ex: apple). On the second day of the diet eat two things that start with the letter “B” (ex: banana, barstool…eh, make that broccoli). On the third day, eat three things that start with the letter C and so on. If you get hung up on any letters like X, don’t worry. These are either great cleanse days or eat whatever you want days. Live the lifestyle: This is a great diet to try if you have children at home. You can work on letters and counting together as well as inspire your children to eat new foods!
When following the Boulder Diet, you can eat anything that is made by companies based in the greater Boulder, Colorado, area. You might have heard a version of Chief Niwot’s Curse that has to do with the beauty of the Boulder Valley causing anyone who’s seen the area to want to live in Boulder. However, the real story is that the magnetism of the Flatirons reorganizes your body's ions to better absorb nutrients. Another side-effect: once you eat the food grown or prepared in Boulder, you forever crave this nourishing food forever! To eat the Boulder diet, first go to the Boulder Farmers' Market. Once you’ve schmoozed with everyone you know (and been kicked out at least once for trying to sneak your dog in), pick up some Rudi’s Organic bread and top it with Earth Balance Buttery Spread. After this, you might want to sample foods from Boulder Granola, EVOL, Appleooz, GoodBelly, Justin’s Nut Butter, Quinn Popcorn, Tres Pupusas, Purely Elizabeth and so on. (Really, this list goes on for another mile. You’ve got lots of healthy, delicious food to choose from when following this diet). If you start to get full, head to Celestial Seasonings and Bhakti Chai for post-meal tea. Live the lifestyle: To get around town to try all of these delicious foods, it helps to have a really hip cruiser bike or a Prius. If you have your dog with you (who, by the way, is still mad at you for not successfully sneaking him in to the Farmers' Market), you can tire him out on the way, while reducing your carbon footprint, by engaging in urban mushing.
When following the Boulder Diet, you can eat anything that is made by companies based in the greater Boulder, Colorado, area. You might have heard a version of Chief Niwot’s Curse that has to do with the beauty of the Boulder Valley causing anyone who’s seen the area to want to live in Boulder. However, the real story is that the magnetism of the Flatirons reorganizes your body's ions to better absorb nutrients. Another side-effect: once you eat the food grown or prepared in Boulder, you forever crave this nourishing food forever! To eat the Boulder diet, first go to the Boulder Farmers' Market. Once you’ve schmoozed with everyone you know (and been kicked out at least once for trying to sneak your dog in), pick up some Rudi’s Organic bread and top it with Earth Balance Buttery Spread. After this, you might want to sample foods from Boulder Granola, EVOL, Appleooz, GoodBelly, Justin’s Nut Butter, Quinn Popcorn, Tres Pupusas, Purely Elizabeth and so on. (Really, this list goes on for another mile. You’ve got lots of healthy, delicious food to choose from when following this diet). If you start to get full, head to Celestial Seasonings and Bhakti Chai for post-meal tea. Live the lifestyle: To get around town to try all of these delicious foods, it helps to have a really hip cruiser bike or a Prius. If you have your dog with you (who, by the way, is still mad at you for not successfully sneaking him in to the Farmers' Market), you can tire him out on the way, while reducing your carbon footprint, by engaging in urban mushing.
8 future diet fads you need to know
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